In The Waiting

Prepare yourself to be a wife and a mother. But until then, work hard and keep growing in your career.

Do well, work hard. But don’t work so hard that you become a boss girl that can’t step away from work to be a wife and mother. And don’t come off too career-oriented to attract a nice guy.

These are the thoughts going back and forth in the internal dialogue of a Christian, single woman at the age where many of her peers are finding their spouses or are making strides in the “girl boss” world.

We’re all faced with the question: what is a marriage-minded woman supposed to do if she doesn’t have a prospect on the horizon?

You can’t exactly embrace the homemaker lifestyle as a single woman with the responsibility of providing for herself while also still making time to serve in church, be in community, and put yourself in situations to meet other singles. Well, you can try, but you can’t do it all.

This is something I’ve struggled with as a conservative woman who’s been encouraged in her career. So I keep going – pushing in causes I believe in that further the kingdom here on earth. But I can’t help but wonder, am I closing myself off to the possibility of a relationship because of my time spent door knocking, serving, and being there for my friends and family? I rarely have time to rest with all my commitments. But they’re all good commitments that I believe can bring glory to Jesus.

And when it comes to dating, the apps have success stories, absolutely. But it seems increasingly hard to find faithful Christian men who aren’t socially awkward (no offense to men – there are many socially awkward females too). Matches often don’t turn into dates, and even if they do, dates often fade and fizzle after a few. My generation is plagued with emotional unavailability, too many “options” from the apps, and an inability to forge real connections due to a reliance on phone communication. I’m not perfect in this either – I see some of these impacts in my own view of dating.

So, with this bleak world of dating the unfortunate reality, what are we supposed to do as single women who have a sincere desire to one day be married and raise children to love the Lord someday?

One inclination is to tunnel vision straight down the “girl boss” path, working our way up the corporate ladder – maybe doing good, likely also loving the achievement (speaking from personal experience). The Lord can still work and bring people together in any situation, yes, but the reality is that it’s much harder to step away from a successful career with a six-figure salary to settle down. And women fully invested in their careers can sometimes send signals that they’re not looking for something more.

Lest you believe this is just a paranoid rant from yours truly (while maybe partly true), I’ve spoken to many women in my similar stage of life. It’s a shared experience. As I’ve thought and prayed about it, might I offer a few reminders, suggestions, and encouragements:

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. The Holy Spirit put that verse from Matthew on my heart in the midst of tears and cries out to the Lord. I’m reminded that marriage and a family is a beautiful thing, yes, but it’s not our ultimate end. The chief end of man (and woman!) is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. We glorify God through pursuing righteousness and holiness. Whether He blesses us with a family isn’t in our control, but seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness is something we have the power to do, by the grace of Jesus and through the Holy Spirit, every single day.

Pray to the Lord for the desires of your heart. There are countless verses in Scripture commanding us to petition the Lord for our desires, hoping ultimately that our desires align with His good and perfect Will. And even asking that He would be gracious to align our desires to His holiness. It’s a good thing to desire marriage and ask the Lord to provide that, but we mustn’t make an idol of it. As John Calvin said, the human heart is an idol factory, and each and every one of us must be cognizant to audit our hearts of this tendency.

Persevere in doing good. So often I get tired of serving, especially because I feel as though it takes away time from me potentially meeting someone. While it’s good to have boundaries and build in time for rest, we should remember that our purpose is to spread the Gospel and glorify God. We’re told to run the race with endurance. Who knows, maybe the Lord will bring you a spouse, new friend, or opportunity while serving others.

Build in balance. While we’re waiting and can’t fully retreat to a homestead quite yet, work on identifying ways in which you can build in healthy balance of working hard, serving others, and finding rest. Life will only get busier from here, and that’s especially true if you end up having a family to take care of. Your career may be difficult and take a lot of work, but being a faithful wife and mother is incredibly hard and a thankless role of sacrificial love. Building in balance and good habits now will prepare you to set boundaries and make the transition to a different stage of life in the future – no matter if the Lord calls you to a family, a great career, both, or something else.

Stake your identity in Christ. Often, I jump to the conclusion that if I’m not a wife and mother yet, I may as well become a girl boss and just focus on building a resume, reputation, and recognition for being successful in my field. It’s easy to slip into an identity tied to your achievements and how others view you in relation to work. While we should work hard and pursue excellence in the gifts we’ve been given where our feet are planted, we need to remember that our foundation is Christ. Whether we’re single, engaged, or married, there will always be something else to put our identity in – but if we can now learn to put our identity and trust in Christ Jesus, He will sustain us to remain in Him no matter the stage of life.

I know these thoughts and reminders won’t “cure” us of the ting of melancholy and disappointment that can sink in when we realize we aren’t where we’d hoped we’d have been by this point in life. But our home is not earth, our end is not marriage or motherhood, and our identity isn’t our own. Only the peace of Christ will fulfill us in any stage of life.

But my hope is that this resonates and encourages another young woman who’s feeling like life is passing her by and she’s just a bystander cheering on friends currently in the place she thought she’d be. Keep cheering on your friends, showing up for your family, hoping in Christ, praying for the desires of your heart that reflect righteousness, and preaching to yourself the truth of your identity in Christ alone.